Going through grief, which is being experienced by so many people these days, can leave a lasting imprint on the brain and can cause myriad symptoms. It can make people feel sad, depressed, unable to concentrate, edgy, anxious, or irritable, and can cause trouble sleeping.
If you know someone who’s mourning the loss of a loved one, you may wonder what you should say, or what you shouldn’t say.
Here's a list of things to SAY & NOT TO SAY to someone who is grieving.
Worst thing to say - "You’ll be okay after a while."
What NOT TO SAY to someone who is grieving:
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“How are you doing?”
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“You’ll be okay after a while.”
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“I understand how you feel.”
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“You shouldn’t feel that way.”
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“Stop crying.”
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“At least he’s in a better place; his suffering is over.”
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“At least she lived a long life, many people die young.”
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“At least you had them for as long as you did.”
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“She brought this on herself.”
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“Aren’t you over him yet, he’s been dead for a while now.”
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“There is a reason for everything.”
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“You are much stronger than I would be.”
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“Stay Positive.”
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“Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you.” Don't say this if you are not going to actually be there for them
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“God’s in charge.”
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“There is a reason for everything.”
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“Your loved one wouldn't want you to cry.”
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“At least now you get to know what’s really important in life.”
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“When it’s their time to go, it’s their time.”
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“At least he died happy.”
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“At least it was quick.”
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“This will make you a better person in the end. You won’t always feel this bad.”
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“You should let your emotions out or you’ll feel worse later.”
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“She was such a good person; God wanted her to be with Him.”
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“Just give it time. Time heals.” Time does not heal, taking the right steps heals.
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“You’re young; you can still have other children or find a new partner.”
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“You’ll do better next time in love.”
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“This all happens eventually.”
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“It was just a dog or cat. You can get another one.”
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“Stay busy so you don’t think about it too much.”
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“You have to be strong for your spouse, children, mother, etc.” This diminishes their need to take time to heal.
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“Just move on.”
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“Be strong.”
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“She would have wanted it this way.”
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“You're handling this better than I expected.”
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“You’re going to grow from this.”
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Nothing at all. You'd be surprised how many people never reach out because they're very uncomfortable.
Best thing to say - "I'm so sorry for your lost."
What TO SAY to someone who is grieving:
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“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
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“I'm sorry you're suffering.”
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“I wish I had the right words. Please know I care and I’m here for you.”
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“Let's honor them in some way.”
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“I can’t imagine how you feel.” Then be quiet and let them tell you about their feelings.
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“I’m here for you.” Better yet, if there is something specific they need, ask if you can do it for them. Ask if you can make phone calls or send emails on their behalf.
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“I am always just a phone call away
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“You and your loved ones are in my thoughts and prayers.”
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“Tell me about your loved one.”
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“Want to talk about what happened?” Many people avoid this question, but it helps the griever to explain it, if they desire, and having a compassionate ear can help them process it more accurately.
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“I can’t imagine how you feel.”
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“Can I go to the funeral?” This is often an important sign of support.
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“You might not be feeling great, but that's ok.”
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“Your grief-reactions are normal/appropriate.”
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“Remember when...”
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“My favorite memory of your loved one is… ”
Support them, don't try to fix their hurt
Things to DO to support someone who is grieving:
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Just be present.
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Share a memory about the person who’s gone.
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Be empathetic. It’s okay for you to show your feelings.
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Continue connecting, even after a few months. Many people are inundated in the first few weeks, but they need support long after the funeral is over.
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Give a hug instead of saying something.
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Let them talk. Give them the opportunity to talk about the person they lost. It helps them with the healing process.
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Support them, don't try to fix it. They need to work through the grief process.
